Can the Keys Adapt?

Luge (Large+Huge) Keys to Defeat Announcement:

When I started this blog, the intent was to cover the Bengals descent into the lower-echelon of the NFL, (just like I did on the old "Lot D" website in 2008), as they set forth on a mission for the #1 draft pick. The time looked right, Carson out, rookie QB, a still unproven D, young corps of receivers, uncertainty...If you go back a couple of months, the Bengals were the preseason darlings and pick du jour to get the #1 pick. But after some early signs of mediocrity, the Bengals have been disappointing ever since. They can't even buy (nor do they seem to be interested in buying) a loss. And so it is, as the Bengals have ascended out of the bottom of the league to respectability again, (and bought Mike Brown yet more time not to change the structure of the organization-which is still built to bring home #1 picks), I will not do a Bengals Keys to Defeat, (although I will still recap their games even if they can't pick up any more losses).

The Bengals Don't Suck, But Other Teams Do:

But therein lies the awakening; the bottom of the league gets laughed at and made fun of, but nobody takes their lack of effort in reaching the bottom seriously. That is when I decided that this blog would stay focused on the dregs of the League. As a Bengal fan, I often wondered to myself, where is the coverage for my poor, lousy team. Well fans of the bums, give me your poor, tired, pathetic teams, and I will make proper fun of them, satirically and sarcastically, just as they deserve. I will now provide analysis and Keys to Defeat on how Indy can lose just one week at a time to go Defeated! As for the Bengals, don't worry, as long as Mike Brown is running that ship, they will find their way back here. But for now...let's get it!

Bengals Recap (Yes, I am still recapping):

Dude, Where's my Bengals?

They have not had a 5 game winning streak since 88...Anybody know when's the last time they won 6 in a row was? Yeah, me neither, fact checkers! Well, the Bengals blew another loss late with a 4th Quarter comeback. 2nd half comebacks, shutdown D that any major league bullpen would be proud to call their own, I just don't know this team any more. The Bengals did their usual in giving up the loss running a ridiculous 69 plays (39 pass, 30 rush); holding the ball for 33 mins; 0 turnovers. While the Bengals looked like Bengals of old with 87 yards penalized, the Titans negated that with 100 yards given up in penalties of their own.

While the Bengals continue to disappoint, the Raiders are picking up the pace and looking to solidify Bengal draft position. Again, I don't blame Carson for holding out and not wanting to play for Mike Brown another snap (remember if Brown and family maintain control of football operations, that will be Dalton one day), but it turns out that a change of scenery has not helped "Pick 6" Palmer at all. Is it possible that after giving up a King's ransom for Carson, that Hue benches him? Stay tuned for that developing story.

I want to start a contest...Tell me what Hue Jackson is thinking regarding their trade for Palmer. Drop me a line or leave them in the comments section and I will highlight as many as possible in future weeks, esp. if Carson continues to pollute the Bay.

My own entry: "Motha!@#$%^"

KC Pulls Off a Stunning Loss:

Just when I took KC off my radar they go and grab an improbable loss against a top Powerless team in the Fins. It was not just a close game but a shellacking of monumental proportions. What's even more surprising  is that if I read you some of the stat sheet before telling you the outcome, you would bet me a second mortgage on your home that KC won:

This about sums up the game.

-KC was at home.
-KC ran 78 plays...78 plays!!! That is unheard of and should be a record. (Fact checkers, please verify!)
-They held the ball for close to 35 mins!
-KC only had 8 less total yards than the Fins
-There were no turnovers in the game.

This game should have at least been close, right? What was the difference? What turned what should have been a coming out party for KC into a rare drubbing at Arrowhead? The efficiency of Matt Moore!!! That's right, Mattie "Don't Hurt'em No" Moore! In his 5 years experience, he has a career passer rating of 75, but against KC, he was the deadliest passer of the day completing 17 of 23 for 244 yards and 3 TDs. That's a close to perfect 147.5 passer rating. So with that, the Dolphins dreams of going Defeated have been shattered by a back up QB...and then there was ONE.

Powerless Rankings:

And then there was ONE.

Quick side note: The 2008 Lions are primed and ready for this Sunday, having ordered 10 cases of Krug and shipping in Cubans (cigars not people) from Cuba. They won't say it publicly, but many feel this is the week that they will celebrate their immortality and infamy for one more season.

Indy has been the clear undisputed #1 Powerless team for at least 3 weeks now, but there position has been solidified by Miami dropping a loss this past week, but in other spots there has been a shakeup:

1. Indy (faces a tough challenge this week going up against another Powerless mainstay, Jax in the dome)
2. St. Louis (got back on track with a close loss in the desert, but it is only fitting for our #2 Powerless squad to give up a game in OT on a 99 yard punt return...and that is why they are #2...they have the Will to Lose!)
3. Seattle (making their debut in the Powerless Rankings, they are riding a 3 game losing streak to make a strong entry at #3)
4. Jax (moves up a spot, setting up a match up of Lilliputian proportions vs Indy)
5. Miami (their blowout win against the Chiefs almost knocked them out of the rankings, but they stay in on the weakness of only 1 win)

Dishonorable mention: Denver, KC (I know they're 4-4 and in 1st place in the AFC West-by the way, how terrible is the AFC West this year-but I have returned to the position that they suck regardless of their record), Arizona (a near loss to our #2 Powerless team keeps their prospects of cracking the top 5 strong), Cleveland (we all know eventually they would have to end up here, watch for them to move up), Washington (making a steady climb by losing 4 straight)

I know many of you may be asking about Minnesota and Carolina, but in our Powerless Rankings, just like in grade school, effort counts!

Colts Are Right Where They Need to Be:

They have lost all semblance of giving effort, losing in spectacular fashion 3 weeks in a row. We all knew it would be outrageously bad without Manning, but who knew they were planning their vacations and off season schedules in mid-August? And that is what makes this next item particularly funny:

Hillarious quote of the season belongs to Jim Caldwell: "I think our guys continue to fight, and I think you can see that they still give effort. We've just got to give them some more help and making certain they're in position to win." (This on the heels of the Colts losing their last 3 by a combined score of 120-24). This is a true "pants-pisser!"

The Colts have a colossal matchup pitting our beloved #1 Powerless team vs. our #4 ranked team, the Jags, in what will be a serious threat to the Colts Imperfect season. This game is going to tell a lot about the Colts because it will not be an automatic loss. In fact this is the least losable game (on paper) the Colts have left. If the Colts can make it over this hump, they may be able to coast to the Defeated season! But, let's not get our hopes up and just focus on one game at a time.

Colts Keys to Defeat:

On Offense:

1. Run the ball (esp. on 1st and 2nd downs). Take the ball out of Painter's hands (as ridiculous as this sounds, it's true)
2. Call long developing pass plays that allow for the pocket to collapse and Jax to get some pressure on Painter

On Defense:

1. Focus on stopping the pass. If the Colts put 8 and more in the box to look after the "Human Bowling Ball" the loss will be in serious jeopardy for them.

This is a serious test for the Colts. All of our hopes and dreams of seeing another Defeated team ride on these Colts and their perfect storm of catastrophe. Let's hope that they can underwhelm the Jags and keep the dream alive! Now, on to a final thought.


NFL Flex (Please):

Would you have watched this on Monday Night?

Once again, we have a Monday night match up that no one wants to see in Minnesota @ Green Bay, and is going to be a loser for the NFL and ESPN. (Even though I think Minnesota will cover the spread and make matters interesting, still no one wants to see this). The NFL should move the Jets v Pats to Monday night, and move Pitt v Cincy to the Sunday night game. (I know this would take the participation of networks and NBC wouldn't want to give up the New York and New England TV market for Cincy/Pitt) but, c'mon Mr. Goodell, you sir, are the sheriff and run tings, not the networks. Flex your muscle, and let's flex these games!


Well, tune in next week where I will give some Bengal recap, Colt reaction and analysis, other tidbits from the dregs of the NFL, our ever popular Powerless Rankings, and of course, the Colts Keys to Defeat.

Thanks for reading the

God Bless!